Thursday, 3 December 2009

Boo Hiss It's Chrispish

Though I generally hate religion with all my metaphoric soul, I am willing to sell into its lies for money and/or fame. With that in mind here are some Christmas-based poems to 'celebrate' this most irritating of times, which I wrote for a couple of Christmas-themed competitions. Note the lack of any kind of enjoyment or religious aspect, do. Bah, humbug.


A real Spruce or Pine in the living room

and one star shines brightest on the foreground

of a galaxy. Twelve angels turn around,

planetarily on familiar hooks. Soon

we will ask for the long flash of tinsel,

the charge of faeries, the wire of beads to dress

its splinters for electricity. Guess

work will be our creation, we will all

attempt to unravel the mysteries

of baubles, challenge gravity’s hand

and set the canes straight. Everything we planned

is not everything that happens. We will tease

the childish Decembers of perfection,

then stand back and quieten for reflection.

Christmas Fever

No wrapping but the gut
lining, no bow but the bile,
no box but the brittle bulge
of my projectile smile.

Ding dingaling and ding along.
Merry merry, very merry,
hear my Christmas song!

No manger but the rough
sleep, no advent but the wheeze,
no sugar but the colon’s
furious chocolate sneeze.

Ding dingaling and ding along.
Merry merry, very merry,
hear my Christmas song!

No fire glow but the fever
sweat, no chestnut but the phlegm,
no stuffing but the mucous balls:
it must be Christmas again.

Russell Jones Poet
Poet Russell Jones

Saturday, 21 November 2009

Happy Robots

Wednesday 25th November, 5pm, I'll be giving a talk at Edinburgh University (18 Buccleuch Place, 1st floor). It's got rhinos, a song, comics and a computer reading a poem. Do come!

Happy Robots: Technologies and Utopias in Edwin Morgan’s SFP

Ever hopeful, Edwin Morgan’s Science Fiction Poems explore humanity’s ability to progress and survive through its understanding of science and technology. Morgan utilises everything that Sci-fi can throw at us, from talking particles to a Christmas card-writing computer, in order to explore human nature and our hopes for the future. Pessimistic critics might call his optimism na├»ve, but Morgan’s confidence in the potential of the human race is as infectious as a nanovirus. Put on your space boots, take a good lung full of O2 and empty your colostomy bag as we venture in to Morgan’s utopias, digesting and exploring the concept that science is not only progressive but utterly imperative for the survival of our species.

Russell Jones

Friday, 30 October 2009

Aesthetica Therapy

Hot bananas! One of my poems has been short listed for "International Aesthetica Creative Works Competition".

Amongst the misery of your pitiful existence I suggest you buy a copy of the magazine/book (you can get a hard copy, it's easier to wipe away your ugly loner tears from the cover) to bring about a tiny ray of less-misery.

Though it won't find you a girlfriend, a better job or physical prowess, it does have pretty pictures and words in it. Check it out here:

Release date is 1 December 2009, available in Borders or from the Aesthetica website.

Die or die trying.

Russell Jones

Thursday, 29 October 2009


Here me vomit at 'The Elvis Shakespeare' on Leith Walk, Edinburgh, this Sunday. Sick off is 2pm.

It's a book launch, by the by. Here's a review of the book:

Russell Jones

Wednesday, 21 October 2009


"How do you get youw bwilliant ideas, mister?" asks little Timmy

"I take them from the souls of children, Timmy"

It's a common question, one which my mum asks me at least three times a year. Truth is I've very little imagination left since I had to do adult things like defrost fridge freezers or get excited about potato mashers.

I come up with a theme and then try out different forms or phrases. That's my way. Past themes have included:

- Fish

- Alcohol

- Children

- Water

- Science Fiction

Put them in to a number generating machine and you'll work out my sadistic plan.

My current project is to write a stupid number of sonnets based on "extremophiles". They're not super paedos, they're organisms which thrive in extreme situations, like emperor penguins stupidly breeding in Antarctic winters.

If life can exist under ice, in volcanos, in isolated caves etc., could it exist in the vacuum of space? In the centre of the sun? In a word or an idea? Even in my girlfriend's filthy bedroom?

And that's what I'm doing. Here's the first one free, each one after that will cost you:

Russell Jones

Publicating Me

read my poems readmypoems ReadMyPoems READMYCOCKINGPOEMS

This is what goes through every poet's head. Well, except those poets who write things and then lock them away in secret drawers beneath the microwave.

I keep a list. A dark and secret list of foul things I'd like to do to members of the general public. You can't see that one, but I also keep a list of my past publications so I can stalk myself and weep whilst sitting in a pile of my own excrement.

As you'll no doubt notice, being a smart bastard, the list is a little shady to begin with. I've also not bothered with some useful information such as ISBN numbers, so you'll just have to trust me that it's a real list and then send me that £20 you owe me.

THE LIST (oldest to most recent)

crap Love/Romance book
BBC Get Writing Anthology 2005
other crap book
manchester arts mag
sentinal poetry magazine, may 05
the voice (multiple)
the drum (multiple)
Jabberwocky x2 (winter, spring)
golden hour book
masters V book
Read This, issues 5/9
writer's dock children's book
Platform Magazine Nottingham (travel writing: California)
Earth Love (issue 29, nov 2008)
Equinox (sep 08 or mar 09)
First time Magazine (issue 55, 56 – march 2009?)
Fire (issue 32, winter 09/10)
Scintilla 13 (spring 2009)
Salopoet (december 2008, june 09)
Frogmore Papers (iss 74, September 09)
This Collection (film project 2009)
Carillon magazine (23, march 09, issue 24 june 09)
Southbank centre online (equinox electronic form) (2009)
‘the last refuge’ – my chap book, aug 09
Golden hour 2 – sep 09
Aesthetica magazine – dec 09?

Russell Jones

Friday, 9 October 2009

Shhhh...Talking in the Library

A fine chap named Ken McLeod has invited me to speak about the interactions of Science and Poetry at the Scottish Poetry Library on Wednesday 13th January 2010 at 5:30pm.

I want you there, you sexy beast.

Check out Ken's current projects on science and society here:

Russell Jones

Smart Ickle Art Ickle

A month or so ago I wrote a tremendously nonsensical (but fun) article about voices in Science Fiction Poetry which talked about dressing dogs in costumes, wearing colostomy bags and boiling pig snouts in black sauce. As academic journals appear to have a strong distaste for such things, it now exists as something rather different but still moderately interesting and will be published in an upcoming academic thingymajig for Edinburgh University's literature journal, "Forum".

If you enjoy ripping the beating heart out of newborn puppies, you might enjoy this little romp too.

The link available when it's available, calm down! Until then why not look at other things "Forum" likes to talk about:

Russell Jones


There's finally an ad for my chapbook, "The last Refuge" on the internet! Golly gosh. The layout of the sample poem is a heaping pile of horse vomit, but the words are there. On the same site you can also buy a better book, "The Golden Hour Book 2" which has famous people writing in it and everything. Go here and buy them now. Go on. The books are free if you buy the words inside.

Russell Jones

Thursday, 1 October 2009

Let's go on a date

I'm not sure why (bomb threats, perhaps) but the date has changed for my reading at Elvis and Shakespeare. It's now Sunday 1st November at 2pm. Coffee will still be there, so will my hands. It's on Leith walk in Edinburgh, bring a knife.

Russell Jones

National Poetry Day

It's national poetry day soon (8th of October)! It's just like Christmas but without nice food, presents or Santa, but with lots of poems. To celebrate such a festive time, Wester Hailes Education Centre plan on having me reading a few ditties and answering a few top notch questions from students. If you're a student at WHEC then come along, if you're not then simply de-age, register at the school and join us in the library!

Russell Jones

Monday, 21 September 2009


I will be giving a 'lecture' at Edinburgh University on Wednesday 25th November at 2pm. It's called 'Happy Robots: Utopias and Technologies in Edwin Morgan's Science Fiction Poetry' and will involve coffee! If you like coffee, come along.

Russell Jones

Thursday, 17 September 2009

Reading (Leith, Edinburgh)

I will be reading poems and such at the Elvis Shakespeare Bar (in Leith) on Saturday October 24th, 2pm.

Come. Drink. Come. Come. Clean up. Smoke.

Russell Jones

Edwin Morgan

All I've done is talk about myself. What sordid and self-obsessed little creatures poets are. That is, except for this man: Edwin Morgan, who is the bestest old man in the world.

Morgan is a hugely witty, humane, experimental and brilliant (I should go on) poet who never fails to make me bleed a little inside. I'm currently researching his Science Fiction Poetry with Edinburgh University, and I suggest you go and read it before you die.

Russell Jones

V: International Writing From Edinburgh

Continuing to slap your filthy face with my chunky web member (made from random books), here's a book called 'v: New International Writing from Edinburgh' which enjoys being very Scottish whilst simultaneously flying it's crochet flag of internationalism. The first poem of mine is free but the hit'll cost you after that, pal. Spare some change?

Russell Jones

The Golden Hour Book

If you've got a yearning for books covered in peculiar Cyclops-horse-people, why not buy The Golden Hour Book? It's got words in it, it comes with a very shiny CD, and it's definitely better than incest. I've a few poems in there too so here's a freebie (though if you read it and don't buy the book I hereby own your hollow, penniless soul). Buy it here:

Keep watching this space for The Golden Hour Book 2 announcements...!

Russell Jones

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

"The Last Refuge"

"The Last Refuge" is my recently-published chapbook from Forest Press.

Science? Fiction? Poetry? Yes, it has them all mixed up like a delicious pint of post-candyshop vomit. From frozen ten year olds to downloadable dreams, hopefully this book has something for everyone and everything for someone.

You can only buy a copy from the publishers at the moment ( but it should be available on Amazon in the foreseeable future, though you may have to take out a second mortgage on your Spanish Villa as it's a hefty two pounds British Sterling...!

If you're still not sold on the idea, here's an extract from the book and a glimpse at the (frankly brilliant) cover:


New Site!

Welcome, poor old tired horse, to my blog.

I am a poet, teacher/tutor and student researcher based in Edinburgh. What's this blog for? Shameless self-promotion, of course, and much much less.

As Reader of the Sacred Blog, I encourage you to contact me if you have any interest in my research, any joy from my writing, or any burning desire to wed or punch me.